Trigger warning: this blog talks about depression and anxiety and the impact it can have on someone
‘I’ll be ok when everything settles down’ was my mantra for years. I somehow expected life to slow down, calm down, and allow me some time off, before I could get spinning all the plates again. Of course, that’s not how life works!
People understand that when you push your body hard it can get hurt – and in some cases damaged. Just ask the ballerinas who have to soak their toes in ice baths, or athletes who have torn ligaments whilst trying to break their own speed records. The aching muscles, the bruises and scars all tell the wonderful story of trying hard and striving for perfection.
But what of the mind? We feel that this part of us is limitless, infinite perhaps and has a huge capacity. If I were to call the physical aspects of our body the hard drive, then the mind would be the ‘cloud’ where vast amounts of information can be stored and processed.
We do not consider ‘thinking’ as particularly taxing. How can mulling over a problem be tiring? But if we take a moment to ponder, we will realise that our minds are constantly working – focused on tasks at hand, future tasks, even what we might have done in the past, they are forever processing information even when we sleep! Even our legs and arms get a rest occasionally! Like the heart and other major organs, the mind is always working, ticking away in the background without us even having to register what it is doing.
So why then are we surprised that perhaps sometimes the mind gets overtired. Exhausted even. Those who exercise get some time off. Time for their bodies to heal and relax before the next workout. When you are a thinker, you are doing exactly that – all the time.
I did not realise just how much I was expecting of my mind – until it was too late. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Wondering how I was going to get through the day, wondering how I was going to tackle some of the tasks at hand, worrying about those I was responsible for, worrying about everything and anything, having conversations in my head – with everyone about everything. It never stopped. You could say it was like going for a run – but not being able to stop. Ever. If you were to run constantly there will come a time when you collapse. Due to exhaustion, lack of energy, lack of fuel, you would crash and fall to the ground.
What we do not realise is that every cell in our body has an emotional marker and thus the effects are not just limited to being inside our head. This means that when we are worried or stressed or are constantly thinking we are exhausting our bodies and the stress manifests itself in all types of physical ways. There can be headaches, shoulder and back pains, stomach pains, feelings of a tightening in the chest, and in some cases not only nausea but vomiting too. The more exhausted you become, the more symptoms appear, and the more unwell you feel.
I had been using my body and mind until I was like a worn out car. I had tried to put on plasters and bandages at various times, occasionally put in a little fuel, but had literally driven until all the parts had either flung off or were hanging on for dear life. Then the exhaust dropped off and with all wheels punctured I ground to a halt.