I’ve never tried to explain how my depression and anxiety hurts me.

Whilst some people find those to be very separate, I find they twist into some emotional monster, haunting me constantly. I’ll try and explain the different ways it affects me, but honestly I can’t say this fully encompasses everything. It’s just the best way I can put it into words.

Sometimes it’s pure panic. It completely takes over, stops me processing, draws short, shaky breaths as I fight to regain control over my lungs. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I want to scream, sometimes I just curl up and wait for my breath to return. This is definitely the most stressful because whether or not I see it coming, I can’t avoid it. If I’m required to be in a stressful situation, I’m torn in two because I don’t want to go and feel this terror but I can’t miss it and have to explain everything because that in itself would bring another dozen layers of stress. The worst feeling is trying to fight it off, knowing I’ll fail but having to try for a few more precious seconds of sanity. Most of the time in my life I can remind myself of the wonderful people I have, you guys, my friends, who make life worth living in my darkest moments, but when I go into this panic the thoughts of good people become distant, clouded by sheer terror, the lack of air in my lungs and the sting of tears.

Sometimes it’s this crushing sadness. It’s like weights on my chest, on my heart, all over me, stopping me from functioning, taking over my mind. There are moments in lessons when I can’t focus because all my energy is directed at not letting tears fall, because I can’t cry in front of everyone, that would make it so much worse. If I’m alone I cry, silently sobbing so as not to alert anyone to my breakdown. It consumes me completely, and it’s when I feel the closest to losing hope. If the panic makes me forget my friends then this sadness distorts my perception of them, twisting their words, your words, until they are unrecognisably cruel, kind words bent in my mind to hurt me when they were meant to do anything but. It’s irrational. Illogical. Some would call it stupid. And there’s nothing I can do about it. 

Sometimes it’s just empty. There’s nothing really to feel. And that might be the worst because I have no will to get up in the mornings, or to leave my room, or to do anything that might make it better. Instead I just kind of stay sit or lie down until either the routine of school forces me to move or until I fall asleep again. It’s the kind of empty that leaves no motivation, like I can’t summon a thought that would make me move or think or do anything. And I hate it, I hate it so much because I want to have that drive to do things and be better but some days are setbacks that demolish months worth of effort to keep moving. But honestly if I had to choose any of them I might choose this because at least I don’t feel.

But the worst is the flashbacks. The flashbacks I can’t take. They bring with them some awful irrational guilt. If panic makes me forget then guilt makes me remember. I remember everything, every word I wish I’d never said, every conversation I regret, all the worst moments of my life. I feel every sensation from them, hear every voice, and in the worst times I can even see it, relive the moment again in my head. Sometimes it’s blurry, sometimes it’s in perfect clarity. Both are bad. Excruciating. This is the most terrifying. I’ll find myself curled up in a corner with my hands over my ears trying to block out the voices, or arms covering my head to brace me from a living nightmare. And I try to hide them because I hate the feeling of being weak to my own mind, or that other people will see. Somehow having someone else see it would confirm it, make it a real thing to add to the list of problems I have to solve. I don’t think I’m in a place just yet to admit the moments I’m remembering. I don’t know if I ever will be. 

Happiness is short lived, fleeting, quickly replaced by a demonic form of my depression and anxiety. But that’s the best feeling. To everyone that lets me feel truly happy each day, whether it be for a moment, an hour or more, I’m so truly grateful. Thank you. Without those moments of happiness I can easily say I wouldn’t still be here. 💕

C

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